The Modern Gladiator | A Man's Guide to Living

Facebook is NOT the New Tinder

on May 6 | in Issue 25, Relationships & Dating, The Social Experience | by | with No Comments

Most of us spend an obscene amount of time on social media – nearly two hours a day. With Facebook being by far the most popular account to have, claiming 1.94 billion users worldwide, it stands to reason that it would be the perfect platform to meet your soulmate.


From my experience, and that of numerous female associates, it seems a lot of men follow this logic and (again, from experience) they’re doing it all wrong!  People – attractive, available women included – use different social media sites for different purposes. Think of Facebook like everyone you know simultaneously throwing a backyard barbecue or pool party. You share what’s on your mind and catch up with everyone anytime you want. You get to see photos of your friends’ kids and pets without the screaming and slobber. You can also get your news, find out about upcoming events, and regale your followers with all of your brilliant and hilarious musings.

It is NOT an online bar or club where women go to get hit on. They’re just not in the right mode for that. It’s like being approached at a two-year-old’s birthday – it’s that off-putting. Women get dressed and made up to go out when they want attention. They likewise put (what they think is) their most dateable foot forward on dating sites. They put their hair up and sweatpants on for that 2:00 AM trip to the grocery store and many times when they’re on Facebook. A cold personal message approach may have worked for someone at some point, but it’s not a tactic that should be replicated.

I get the impression that both men and women get sick of dating sites (each for good reason, and abandon their profiles) but they’re still on Facebook. So, if you’re not getting the attention or responsiveness you want on Tinder, you might be tempted to start friending and messaging women on Facebook Messenger.

I partly blame Messenger for encouraging that.  Every single time I accept a friend request, I get a superfluous notification (in case I’ve forgotten) as well as a solicitation to communicate with this person directly. Ignore that. No one wants a “Thanks for the add” message any more than they’d appreciate a poke. (By the way, using that creepy, awkward button is one of the most efficient ways to get blocked.) Starting a messenger conversation out of nowhere is a lot like offering someone an amazing opportunity to generate extra income and help people fundamentally change their lives through the magic of network marketing brand du jour. Some people may play along to be polite, but it’s nothing anyone really needs, wants, or appreciates.

Still want to approach that girl? Fine, here’s how to improve your game (and your chances) of not annoying any potential date and actually getting a positive response.

Read as much of her profile as she allows access to, paying particular attention to her relationship status and whether the same guy appears in a substantial number of her photos. If she’s married or officially dating someone, she’s probably not down to meet anybody.

Do not go through and like every single post or photo. If she gets 10 notifications of your liking or loving her photos and statuses, she’ll probably eye roll or ignore any message you send or attempt to communicate with her. Not only that, but it makes you seem like a fan-boy and that’s not hot.

Interact with her for a while. If you genuinely like a status, like it. Write intelligent and witty comments to her posts and most importantly, look for her to reciprocate. If she’s replying to you, liking your statuses, and leaving you comments, she’ll probably converse with you as well.

Avoid saying anything on her wall that’s an obvious come on. Compliments are fine, but keep them G-rated. Assume she’s talking with several people; don’t monopolize her time with constant messages or send a series of question marks if she hasn’t responded quickly enough for your liking.

This should go without saying: No dick pics or classless selfies – ain’t nobody wanna see that. Men may like it, but for the most part women don’t want sex in their face. If the person you’re talking to is an exception, she’ll let you know.

Don’t stalk her and approach her at an event she’s indicated interest in. Of course, this doesn’t require you to miss out on things you want to go to, but if you’d like to meet her and have been conversing over messenger, at least give her a heads up. Her response, or lack thereof, will be a good indication as to her interest in meeting you. If you haven’t been talking it’s still okay to say hi, but don’t plan on hanging out together. If she’s really enthusiastic about meeting you, it might work out that way but don’t expect it.

As always, there are exceptions to every rule and you can do everything right but still be turned down if she’s not feeling the connection.  Don’t take that personally – she may not be ready for a relationship or there may be something else beyond your control. If that’s the case, the best advice or approach won’t work every time, but you’ll at the very least set yourself apart from the leagues of randoms vying for her attention, inundating her inbox, and causing her to give up on her Match account in the first place.


Asano, Evan (2017, Jan 4). How Much Time do People Spend on Social Media? Retrieved June 22, 2017 from
The Top 20 Valuable Facebook Statistics Updated May 2017. (2017, May 8). Retrieved June 22, 2017, from




Pin It

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

« »

Scroll to top