For the next four articles, my wife Ann and I are going to write about if makes sense to stay married or get a divorce. These articles we want to call “Is it cheaper to keep her?”
Ann and I both went through divorce and we also have kids, so this plays well in our wheelhouse because besides the emotional and physical stress, there is the biggest piece for many—the financial piece.
Sixty-seven percent of second marriages and seventy-three percent of third marriages end in divorce.
Why is this? There may be a few reasons. First, there is a saying that unless you learn from history, you are destined to repeat it. In the past, we have advised that one should take time after a major breakup to “find yourself.” Deal with your loss and look at what went wrong and what went right with that relationship. Too many people rush to get into another relationship before they have had time to really figure themselves out and end up with a person and relationship similar to the one that they just left. This is tough not to do, especially if your ex-spouse entered into a new relationship first.
Feelings of inadequacies and of being unattractive are normal in this situation. It may be tempting to counteract these feelings by going out and getting into a new relationship as quickly as you can. However, it really is worth the wait. You will find your special someone when you are ready.
Many of us who were in the position of having parents who were divorced want to prove the statistics wrong.
When you are standing at the altar saying “I do,” the thought of having a marriage not end up in a divorce isn’t the first thought in the back of your mind.
The fact that your parents had a marriage that ended in divorce with the high statistical probability that yours could as well can actually lead to stress in the relationship. This is where you having taken the time to figure yourself out and what went wrong in your last marriage come into play. In that process of self-analysis, you will learn how to avoid the pitfalls that ended that marriage and will be able to enter into this new marriage with the confidence to be successful.
The point here is to go into the relationship with the understanding that yes, you want and can move forward into the relationship. In this way, you can beat those negative statistics.
If you stayed in your first marriage too long due to the fear of divorce, that fear is no longer present in your second or third marriage. You already know what to expect and that life continues after divorce, thus making the choice easier.
Going through the pain of a divorce or separation has been compared to going through a death.
There are times where you feel that all you want to do is not think of the pain of the “loss” of the marriage. This is where you have to truly believe that as low as you feel, it WILL get better. Take time to figure out who you are and appreciate yourself.
The world can be fickle when it comes to marriage and divorce. When we walk down that aisle, the thought of is not “Well, if it doesn’t work out, then we can get just a divorce.” NO. The thought process is ‘Until Death…” Once our rings were on, they would stay on…right?
But when things do not work out, what’s the next step? Is it cheaper to try and fight for your marriage or is it better to make a clean break? That is going to be your choice…and YES, it won’t be easy. There are marriages that last for a very short time and others last for many years, only to dissolve. Is it worth the fight? Only you can answer that.
In 2013, twenty percent of weddings were second marriages to both partners. When that day comes where neither of you want to fight for your marriage then our first piece of advice for you is NOT to jump into a new relationship right away (especially if you have kids).
Take the time to find yourself and what you want out of life that will fulfill you. If you are battling depression, reach out and get help. Lastly, live in gratitude.
What are we saying here? What is important to you that you are truly grateful even if it is still having blankets to put over your head. Remember, you are not the only person who has gone through divorce.
About the Author: Thomas Maloney
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