I keep asking myself, “How did I get here?” It is a gorgeous August evening and we’re overlooking downtown Denver, and I’m standing in front of a group of people. They do not realize that I need a couple of glasses of red wine in me for liquid courage for what I’m about to do. Then again, those words keep ringing into my head: “How did I get here?” Maybe another glass of red wine will help, but I have zero time because here she comes.
In September 2008 I found myself being asked for a divorce after 6 years of…not really a marriage, but more of roommates than anything. I truly mean roommates, since the last four years I spent my slumber in the guest bedroom. The marriage did not produce everlasting love. What it did create was our son Connor. I remember watching the History Channel years before and the story was a biographical on the great funny man Tim Conway. When he went through his divorce, he bought a house right up the street from his former wife so he could be near his children. That story made sense to me, but honestly I just wanted to run away…FAR away. There was an opportunity to take a government job in El Paso, Texas. I wish there was a moment that I could tell you when I received my wake-up call of not taking the job. When my parents divorced, my dad was in my life, and that’s what I HAD to do for Connor. In July of 2009 I moved into a townhome that was…well, yes, you might of guessed it: up the street from Connor.The marriage did not produce everlasting love. What it did create was our son Connor.
The official date of my finalized divorce was December 23, 2008— before I started to date again, I needed time for my healing first. I have seen where guys just jump into a new relationship, and that’s just another disaster waiting to happen. My son Connor was my number one priority. Learning how to have a bonding relationship with him was important since I was no longer in the same house, and at that time in my life I was traveling for work so our weekends meant hotels. The funny part of spending time in hotels was that Connor had rules as to the amenities for the hotel. His two biggest ones are: pool and hot tub. But Connor was around five years old and couldn’t swim. I look back at those times of gratitude of teaching Connor how to swim as well as just creating special events like having Easter, kindergarten graduation, and his sixth birthday.
Learning how to have a bonding relationship with him was important.
Connor is important to me. When I was finally ready to date, my thought was that whoever I dated not only was dating me, but Connor as well. I dated one person before I met my true soulmate, Ann. I dated a woman who did not have kids and I thought that was the type of person I should date. In my experience, dating someone who has some similarities such as kids was the direction I should of gone in. I say this because I only have Connor every other weekend, and that means my time with him was very precious. I am blessed to of not only met Annie, but she too has kids and understood what it meant to only have certain amount of time to spend with our children.
How do you actually get to the point of blending a family? The way Annie and I did it was in stages. The first was that the two of us needed to first make sure that we were compatible for each other. The biggest point was to make sure that neither of us were simply looking for a “rebound” relationship and sincerely wanted more from a fresh start. We would get into serious conversations of not necessarily what went wrong in our past, but instead what we can learn.How do you actually get to the point of blending a family?
The second piece was the kids. We made an agreement that if the kids did not get along, we could not continue on with our relationship. Too often couples simply think that the natural assumption will be for the kids to just get along. This sort of logic can ruin relationships (does the movie Step Brothers ring a bell?) from the beginning. Put your egos aside and as the kids would say, “be real” when it comes to creating a positive blending of the future family. Our happy story was that the kids did get along. Yes, they act like brother and sisters—there are disagreements, just as if they were blood related.
Put your egos aside and as the kids would say, “be real” when it comes to creating a positive blending of the future family.
Finally, guys, if you love your partner then “suck it up” and go to couples’ counseling. We both went in with open minds. Not only did it lay a blueprint of what kind of marriage we wanted, but it also strengthened our future. Guys, this is not about you and your fears, this is a “we” thing—and again, if you want a meaningful marriage, you will do this.
August 5, 2012—I will never forget standing at the altar with Connor next to me. He looked too cool in his tux. Annie’s girls, 17-year-old Betsy as the Maid of Honor, and Becca who sang and made us all cry (okay, I’m a bit of a Dick Vermeil). At the ceremony, all of us poured different colors of sand into one container to truly blend us as a family. I think about our wedding day often because I am so blessed to not only have a cherished partner but three kids who love each other.
I think about our wedding day often because I am so blessed to not only have a cherished partner but three kids who love each other.
We have a word that the kids have adopted to introduce each other. We use the word “bonus” instead of being called “step” since it has never made sense to us. How did I get here? No, Spartacus did not lead me, but more of a faith where two single boys would find three girls who would accept us. How did I get here on that amazing day of watching all of this unfold in front of my eyes? I try not to think too much but would rather just let it be.
About the Author: Thomas Maloney
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