Being an involved dad and in a committed relationship are two ways to bring fulfillment into your life. The question is, how do you balance the demands of these different relationships while honoring your commitment to both? It can be tricky—your kids are looking to you for guidance and stability, and you are looking for that adult relationship that will support you as you move forward in life.
Here are three tips that will help you protect and support your kids while searching for that special lady.
1. Protect Your Children from the Dating Scene
The process of having your parent date is unnerving for most kids. Many of them feel they have no control over the situation. There are also fears of this new woman “taking Daddy away” or even trying to replace their mom. Because of these fears, there is no need for your kids to join you on the roller coaster of the litany of first and second dates. There is no reason for them to know when you are going out on your date or any or the specifics. Plan your dates when you are not scheduled to have your kids, or even set up lunch dates to meet new people on your lunch hour.
2. Wait on Introductions for at Least 3 Months
It is uncanny how “magical” the three-month mark can be in a relationship. The second and third months of a relationship are when people start to let down their mask and show their true character. It is at this point where you will start to see how this person reacts under stress, how they treat their friends and family, and how they deal with their work and work colleagues. It will also give you time to see consistent habits and behaviors emerge. There is no need to expose your children to any relationship until you have been with this person long enough to start to experience their real personalities. If there is any woman pushing to meet your kids, I would tell her to back off!
3. Use a Break-up as a Bonding and Teaching Opportunity
The reality is, the majority of us never really learned how to date. Use this time of being a single dating parent to help your kids learn what it means to select a partner for life. When you end a longer-term relationship that your children know about, help them understand the power of choice in dating relationships. It is important that the child initiate the conversation, but if your child asks what happened to (her name here), use the situation to discuss character traits about that person, both good and bad, that impacted the relationship. For example, “I know Susan was a lot of fun, but I came to find out we have different beliefs around family values—and that is a big part of a committed relationship.” Don’t resort to name-calling or bad-mouthing this woman; just share the lessons you learned with your kids. Then reassure them that the right woman will have the fun characteristics that Susan had PLUS the other ones that are important to you.
Being a single father in the dating world isn’t always easy, but if you play your cards right it can be a huge blessing for both you and your children. Make sure your children know that you will be there for them and their well-being is your top priority. Once those basic needs of your children are met, you can use your dating experiences to educate them about people and relationships, passing on the keys to success in the dating world when it is their turn to begin searching for a life partner.
About the Author: Tracy Fagan
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