I had the pleasure of meeting a very interesting gentleman at a cocktail party the other night—let’s call him Frank. Well, actually, I first met his outgoing friend, who was the initiator of the conversation. After learning a lot about Frank’s friend, I started asking Frank some questions—because he was sitting there being very quiet.
What I found fascinating is that once Frank started talking, he not only had very interesting life with great experiences and stories, but a great laugh, unique hobbies, and a sense of humor that really added to the enjoyment of the evening. I commented on how cool this conversation was and how I appreciated Frank’s openness. That was when his friend started teasing Frank about being a “Shy Guy.” Frank turned a little red and agreed that he was shy—especially when it came to women.
Diving in a bit deeper with Frank, we came to the conclusion that he liked who he was, he just felt awkward engaging in a conversation with strangers—especially woman. As he put it, “Once I get going, I’m fine; it’s just starting the conversation that is intimidating.”
Does this sound familiar? Here are some exercises you can do in your everyday life to help you improve at making a connection with people you don’t know. Strengthening this skill will help you break out of that “shy guy” role, and help you become more comfortable in initiating new relationships in both your business and personal life.
1. Practice Eye Contact
There is so much power in making eye contact with people. It can feel a little awkward because many people don’t do it and aren’t used to the feeling. Some people were taught to look at the bridge of the other person’s nose so it looks like we are looking them in the eye. The problem? You won’t connect with them by looking at the bridge of their nose.
In making eye contact, make a conscious effort to look into a person’s eyes when you talk or when you pass them on the street or in the mall. It doesn’t take long, just 1-3 seconds. When you connect, smile or even just think a compliment about them.
A great place to start is with your local barista, store clerk, or wait person. Reason being, you will be speaking with them anyways and there there is no attachment to the outcome—unless you upset your wait person and they spit in your food, which I have never heard of happening in this exercise.
2. Offer Genuine Compliments to People
I have to say the one who taught me this trick is my daughter. When she was around 6 years old, she would point a woman out and say, “Mommy, her dress is really pretty!” I thought it was cute, but I would encourage her to tell the woman. When she gave the woman the genuine compliment, there was a change in the atmosphere—the recipient of the compliment would physically soften and a momentary connection was made.
The thing is everyone appreciates a genuine compliment. Even if they aren’t skilled in truly receiving compliments, they usually won’t get mad or yell or blow you off. So this exercise does two things—first it has you looking for the good in people so you can deliver a genuine compliment. Second, it sets you up for a positive experience with people you don’t know—which will help you break out of your ”shy guy” role.
3. Detach from the Outcome
In connecting with someone you don’t know, there are a million-and-one possible reasons to why the other person will react to you the way they do. If you can embrace the idea that their reaction—good or bad—doesn’t define who you are; you will have much more freedom to openly interact with new people on a regular basis.
For example, when you see an attractive woman, if you spend a lot of time thinking about what you should say to make her like you or go out with you, you are going to hem and haw and put a ton of pressure on yourself to “do it right.”
Instead, detach from the outcome by having your focus be more along the lines of wanting her to know she is pretty or elegant. Then you will have met with success once you deliver the compliment. If it is well received, she is interested in you, and is emotionally available, she will react by furthering the conversation—which is a bonus!
Not that being a shy guy is a bad thing, but being too hesitant to open up and experience people you don’t know could be causing you to miss out on many fun and rewarding relationships in life—in both your business and personal life. Each person on earth is a special and unique being—the key is practicing how to connect with others to learn what makes them so special. It is through this type of connecting you will be encouraged to open conversations with people you don’t really know, allowing you to say goodbye to the shy guy.
About the Author: Tracy Fagan
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